Things to do before you turn 30

Best birthday card of all time? Uh-huh.

What not to write in your impressionable brother’s birthday card:

  

Gareth!!

The day has arrived. Twenty-eight. Big deal. Hope you’re not freaking out.

If not, why not? Only two years left to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, run a marathon, and become a washed-up 1-hit wonder pop sensation.

Sooo… enough with the cliched ’10 things to do before you turn 30’ crap. I’ve written an ‘alternative’ list for you. Much more fun:

The Things to do before you turn 30 to prove to yourself that you’re a worthwhile human being list:

1. Fart loudly in a crowded lift
2. Hi-5 ten random strangers while shouting “Go, Power Rangers, Go!!” a little too enthusiastically
3. Dramatically QUIT your job, storming out with flare, confidence, and the office stapler
4. Grow a moustache
5. Realise that your face does not support adequate ‘tash growth and buy a fake
6. Send your big sister chocolate on a monthly basis
7. Be overcome with moustache-related inadequacy & compulsively buy random moustache-shaped objects in order to compensate for your dwindling sense of self worth

Yup, This actually happened.

Upon receiving this rather questionable advice, my brother ‘mysteriously’ came into the possession of several unconvincing moustache-like items.

I’m still waiting on the chocolate.

Insomnia: Top 5 things to do to pass the time

It’s 5 am and I’m awake. In fact, I’ve been awake for about two hours already. On a Saturday.

Most people may be slightly vexed by this reality, but I’ve come to accept that this is just what my body does every now and again. I’ve found that it’s better to just roll with it and do my best to not drop breakables/ walk into stationary objects as the day progresses. I’m clumsy at the best of times, although when sleep deprived, the Rachel Disaster Comedy Show rises to a whole new level of humiliation.

Being awake in the dead of night gives you lots of time to think. While other sleep deprived people are probably considering the meaning of life right now, I’m thinking about this: There are many things that I’m tempted to do in life which I don’t have the guts or inclination to carry out in the full light of day. However, being awake while others are asleep presents the perfect opportunity to fulfil all those unrealised dreams.

I call it the ‘night-bucket’ list.

Here are my top five. I’ve actually already done a couple of these with friends… but I’m not telling you which ones. What would be on your list?

1. Go for a run dressed in neon bright 80’s clothing, complete with visor and vile shell suit
2. Plant flowers in obscure and run-down places
3. Play a game of Frisbee with a glow-in-the dark disc.
4. Jump the park gate (without, er, getting stuck at the top and having to be ‘helped’ down by a friend), climb the park hill and wait for the sun to rise over London

But most of all, I’m really tempted to stick this poster up all around town. It’ll either make people laugh or just confuse them entirely. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Lionel: What a legend.