Category Archives: Random grab

Things to do before you turn 30

Best birthday card of all time? Uh-huh.

What not to write in your impressionable brother’s birthday card:

  

Gareth!!

The day has arrived. Twenty-eight. Big deal. Hope you’re not freaking out.

If not, why not? Only two years left to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, run a marathon, and become a washed-up 1-hit wonder pop sensation.

Sooo… enough with the cliched ’10 things to do before you turn 30’ crap. I’ve written an ‘alternative’ list for you. Much more fun:

The Things to do before you turn 30 to prove to yourself that you’re a worthwhile human being list:

1. Fart loudly in a crowded lift
2. Hi-5 ten random strangers while shouting “Go, Power Rangers, Go!!” a little too enthusiastically
3. Dramatically QUIT your job, storming out with flare, confidence, and the office stapler
4. Grow a moustache
5. Realise that your face does not support adequate ‘tash growth and buy a fake
6. Send your big sister chocolate on a monthly basis
7. Be overcome with moustache-related inadequacy & compulsively buy random moustache-shaped objects in order to compensate for your dwindling sense of self worth

Yup, This actually happened.

Upon receiving this rather questionable advice, my brother ‘mysteriously’ came into the possession of several unconvincing moustache-like items.

I’m still waiting on the chocolate.

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Things you learn after surgery

My decommissioned handbag, which my housemate told me ‘looks like a dead rat’. Probably for the best.

1 You don’t need a handbag

Due to several holes being punched into my stomach, my ability to lift things has dramatically decreased. Not that I was particularly succeeding on that front in the first place.

As result, I’m not supposed to lift anything too heavy for a few weeks and have been travelling to and from work with nothing more that what I can fit in my pockets. And I haven’t missed anything. Not a thing. I’ve realised that I don’t actually need all that crap that I lug around everyday, thus putting unwanted strain on my shoulders and back. Handbags are now a thing of the past. Liberation.

2 Never send messages while under the influence

When I woke up after surgery I felt pretty with it.

When I re-read the texts and emails I had sent later that same day, I realised that my initial assessment on my level of coherence had probably been a little optimistic.

A word of advice: If when you come round, all you want to do is cry and tell everyone that you love them, that’s probably a clear sign that you’re still as high as a tree.

Put. Down. That. Phone.

3  Something I heard from someone else but have obviously never tried myself. Obviously. No, really.

Telling everyone that you’re having a conveniently large ‘cyst’ removed (to cover up the actual liposuction* that you’re funding from the dwindling proceeds of your shady criminal past) really does work. Even when you write about it on your blog, your readers will still assume that you’re joking. Apparently.

*This is a joke. I can’t even take a blood test unless medically compelled to do so. Although the shady criminal past? True story. I once accidentally ran a red light in Cardiff.  Crazy times.


Subway rodeo

The tube. A place of squash, sweat, and occasional eye contact. All in all this leads to enemy number 1, boredom. I have to spend 2 of my good hours on the thing 5 days a week and I’ve been looking in vain for a way to liven up the Bakerloo.

…and then I found this.

I still have my old kickboxing gear, which I think will make a good substitute for football kit. Now all I need is a willing opponent. Lucky you, Bakerloo…


Alien invasion

In the unlikely event that I am one day pulverised by invading aliens, I hope to end my time on earth like this:


The real me

JosiahSugarRush & Rachel Davies

Moments after the life changing revelation

Star Wars. Vegetables. Early bedtimes.

Unlike the above, ‘dangerous’ isn’t a word often associated with yours truly. However, it is time to come clean: My true self struts through the wilderness of formidable cool. I just hide it well. Really well.

One such outworking of my ‘dark side’ is the habitual, intentional corruption of my friend’s children. Through regular brain washing, it is my aim to get each and every one of them addicted to the greatest drug on earth. Chocolate.

Today has been a roaring success. This evening 10 month-old Josiah tasted his first chocolate flavoured item, baked by yours truly. Upon consuming his first brownie bite he then crawled with desperate vigour towards anything vaguely chocolate-coloured with the crazed frenzy that only a sugar-drunk baby can. For the next carnage-infused hour, he managed to smear ice cream on my dress, knock over a glass of sangria and stick a phone in his mouth. I’ve never been so proud.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are reading the words of a badass.


Insomnia: Top 5 things to do to pass the time

It’s 5 am and I’m awake. In fact, I’ve been awake for about two hours already. On a Saturday.

Most people may be slightly vexed by this reality, but I’ve come to accept that this is just what my body does every now and again. I’ve found that it’s better to just roll with it and do my best to not drop breakables/ walk into stationary objects as the day progresses. I’m clumsy at the best of times, although when sleep deprived, the Rachel Disaster Comedy Show rises to a whole new level of humiliation.

Being awake in the dead of night gives you lots of time to think. While other sleep deprived people are probably considering the meaning of life right now, I’m thinking about this: There are many things that I’m tempted to do in life which I don’t have the guts or inclination to carry out in the full light of day. However, being awake while others are asleep presents the perfect opportunity to fulfil all those unrealised dreams.

I call it the ‘night-bucket’ list.

Here are my top five. I’ve actually already done a couple of these with friends… but I’m not telling you which ones. What would be on your list?

  1. Go for a run dressed in neon bright 80’s clothing, complete with visor and vile shell suit
  2. Plant flowers in obscure and run-down places
  3. Play a game of Frisbee with a glow-in-the dark disc.
  4. Jump the park gate (without, er, getting stuck at the top and having to be ‘helped’ down by a friend), climb the park hill and wait for the sun to rise over London

But most of all, I’m really tempted to stick this poster up all around town. It’ll either make people laugh or just confuse them entirely. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Lionel: What a legend.


The inconvenient truth

I’ve just finished eating a wonderful dinner with my housemate, Sarah.  We bonded over the stir fry as Sarah recounted her childhood growing up in Germany and we laughed at the hilarity of me entering ‘jedi’ as my national identity on the 2011 census form*.

We decided to relocate to the lounge for a spot of TV.  As Sarah ran up the stairs she enquired as to when our other housemates would be returning.

I responded “They’re both away.  Ali’s visiting family for the weekend.”

Sarah stopped. “So it’s just the two of us, alone?”

I smiled, warmed by the fact that we could spend even more quality time together “Yup.”

She cocked her head to one side “So I could kill you, and no one would know for at least two days?”

This is the first thing that comes into Sarah’s head when faced with two days alone with me.

Fantastic.

 

 

*This is a joke (unless the person reading this is not a Government official, in which case, I totally did it.)