Tag Archives: liberation

Things you learn after surgery

My decommissioned handbag, which my housemate told me ‘looks like a dead rat’. Probably for the best.

1 You don’t need a handbag

Due to several holes being punched into my stomach, my ability to lift things has dramatically decreased. Not that I was particularly succeeding on that front in the first place.

As result, I’m not supposed to lift anything too heavy for a few weeks and have been travelling to and from work with nothing more that what I can fit in my pockets. And I haven’t missed anything. Not a thing. I’ve realised that I don’t actually need all that crap that I lug around everyday, thus putting unwanted strain on my shoulders and back. Handbags are now a thing of the past. Liberation.

2 Never send messages while under the influence

When I woke up after surgery I felt pretty with it.

When I re-read the texts and emails I had sent later that same day, I realised that my initial assessment on my level of coherence had probably been a little optimistic.

A word of advice: If when you come round, all you want to do is cry and tell everyone that you love them, that’s probably a clear sign that you’re still as high as a tree.

Put. Down. That. Phone.

3  Something I heard from someone else but have obviously never tried myself. Obviously. No, really.

Telling everyone that you’re having a conveniently large ‘cyst’ removed (to cover up the actual liposuction* that you’re funding from the dwindling proceeds of your shady criminal past) really does work. Even when you write about it on your blog, your readers will still assume that you’re joking. Apparently.

*This is a joke. I can’t even take a blood test unless medically compelled to do so. Although the shady criminal past? True story. I once accidentally ran a red light in Cardiff.  Crazy times.